Bittersweet Days
Dearest Night Owls,
Do you ever experience days where you had this bittersweet feeling? It isn't a terrible feeling, but it isn't a great feeling. I am not comfortable with these bittersweet feelings because it sets me on edge like an itch that I cannot scratch. Last night, at work, I was definitely feeling that unreachable itch deep within myself.
My bittersweet feelings stem from an event that has transpired at work because a huge change within my workplace has come. Truly, it isn't necessarily a bad change. In fact, it's a change that is supposed to take place because I work in a field of mental health where assisting a client to move on and then move out is meant to be commonplace. The desired goal is to assist clients with required treatment goals and to get them to a place where it's time to move forward to the lives that they truly were meant to live. Days like today are why I continue to do what I do because it's an incredible feeling to witness an individual get back on their feet and back into the community where they belong. It's still bittersweet, of course, because I always miss the clients that move on to bigger and better futures.
I am truly grateful to get to be a tiny part in the process that assists human beings, with struggling mental health histories, get their lives back on a good track. I always have to remind myself that I could have easily been one of the clients required to live in the same resident setting. I am well aware of this point, and never allow myself to forget. I struggle with mental health every single day, and I could have easily lost control of myself to the point where I could have been arrested, convicted, and sentenced under the GEI (Guilty Except for Insanity) plea. It's the GEI sentence that would have placed me under the PSRB (Psychiatric Review Board), which would most likely have sent me to reside at the Oregon State Hospital until such a time that total strangers give me the permission to be released into the custody of a residential group home. The system is far from perfect, but at least there is hope that, eventually, you can be released and then move toward a totally independent life. Unfortunately, the reality of the process is often slow and met with great hostility because of how slow the process can be to move on to total independent living. I completely sympathize and wished that there was a better and more efficient way to improve the system.
In other news, today was such a glorious day as far as the weather. It was so sunny and the temperature was absolutely perfect. If I wasn't so tired, I would have loved to take advantage of this beautiful weather by going on a hike or just immersing myself in some nature. I drove myself home and knew that I had a planned date with my bed. I arrived home, ate some breakfast, and then headed to my bedroom. I don't try and fall asleep right away. I like to decompress, while lying in bed, before I get ready to go to sleep. I decompress by lying on the bed and watching some television, before completing my daily bedtime routine.
Today, again, I ended up waking up twice and at the same times as the past several days. The first time that I woke myself up was 01:40 PM and the second time was Evan waking me up at 06:00 PM. I am still feeling overly tired, so completing any task is very difficult and sluggish. I remember the last dream that I had, which made me reflective this evening. I am pretty sure the dream took place in a high school setting. In my old high school setting. I was in a choir class, and I was preparing for a huge concert during Christmas time. Throughout my dream, I kept seeing a very familiar face. A face of a guy that I knew in real life, and haven't seen or spoken to since high school. I went to two different high school, so I have to be more specific and say that it was my first high school. My first high school being Century High School, in Hillsboro.
After waking up, I was confused as to why this guy showed up in my dream. I couldn't even tell you the name of the guy because I had no idea what his name was because it has been so long since I ever spoke to this person. Before starting this post, I went ahead and did something that I haven't done in years. I went looking for my high school yearbook. Believe me when I say that I wanted to throw away my old yearbooks because I don't want to relive those days. Evan convinced me to keep them, so I store them in an area of my Lady Cave where I know that they are hidden away but are still in one piece. I found my first high school yearbook, my freshman year, which was 1999 - 2000. My freshman year and my older sister's senior year. I went hunting through the various faces from my past, to look for the face that appeared throughout my dream. I immediately recognized the face of the man in my dream by the picture from the yearbook. I now remember his name, Alex.
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