Fleeting Images From The Past

Happy Monday, Night Owls❣️

Who is ready to start another week, full of possibilities and adventure? Just me? No? I didn't think so❣️

Right now, I am slowly getting myself adjusted back to my work-sleep schedule. Tonight, I go back to working a full week. Sometimes, it is a struggle to sleep nights, during my weekend, only to have to go back to sleeping during the day on my Mondays. I may have only took a three hour nap this afternoon, since I slept a full night last night. It makes my first nights back exhausting. It's okay, though. It is all part of this worker night owl's life, and I have come to terms with it. I would rather have my current sleep schedule then have to find a regular nine-to-five job because working that "normal" day job isn't right for me. I love working nights, and it's what I have always preferred.

In other news, last night, I started updating my website a little more. I created a page, dedicated to photos that I personally captured while out and about in nature. I absolutely love being outdoors, and there are so many places within this world that I would love to see and capture on camera. I spent hours, last night, in front of my computer just to look over the thousands upon thousands of images saved to my external hard drive. I have so many pictures saved that there just isn't enough time to find every single one that I absolutely love, and yet not enough pictures that are satisfactory to me. I want more!

Photo of/by Destiny Topolski

Capture the World! / Photo by Destiny Topolski

I want to go back out there and travel everywhere, so I can take pictures of the beautiful landscapes and architecture. I see an image, in my mind's eye, and I just know that I need to stop and capture it. For instance, I was out on a nature trail on fine Autumn day and I suddenly saw an image of a beautiful leaf-covered bridge. I was crossing a bridge, which I have crossed on many different occasions. However, on that day, it looked like a beautiful work of art. I stopped and I took a picture of it, before continuing on my walk.

Crossing Bridges/ Photo by Destiny Topolski

What I end up observing can suddenly become a desire to capture it as a beautiful work of art, and sometimes it is art. I remember I was in the town of Forest Grove, and it was also in Autumn. It was some random day, in October, and I can't even remember why I was in Forest Grove because I don't live anywhere near Forest Grove. I think that Evan and I drove through Forest Grove after a day at the coast or something. Anyway, we decided to park near downtown Forest Grove and walk around. During our walk, I observed some of the most beautiful sidewalk chalk art that I have ever seen. So, I stopped to capture it on camera.

Captain America / Photo by Destiny Topolski

I know one thing to be very certain, I have NO organizational system for my photos. I dump all of my photos in random, miscellaneous folders because I am too lazy to take the time to organize and file my photos in a way that I can easily locate in the future. Ugh, I really need a better system.

Do you want to know one of my secrets? Even though I am obsessed with taking pictures of just about everything, I absolutely hate pictures taken of me. Yep, true story. I cannot stand having pictures taken of me because I really do despise the way that I look. I have had major anxiety attacks after people taking pictures of me because I see the images and I start to burst into tears. It's something that I am definitely not proud of, but it's my truth. I think I am really ugly, like, really ugly. There are a great deal of reasons that I can pinpoint, as to why I can't see any beauty within myself. It's a long, long story that is all too familiar that a great deal of women have experienced in our narcissistic existence of society. When other people claim that I am "beautiful" or anything similar, I don't believe them because far too often I have been told that I am not.

I am doing my best to not be consumed by physical appearance, but it's really hard not to be. I am also striving to break the negative, ugly, self-hatred cycle by taking more pictures of myself. It's going to be super difficult, but I want to face this huge fear of mine. Perhaps, if I take enough pictures of myself, I will be more accepting of those around me taking my picture. Again, it won't be that simple since I have a deep-seeded hatred of my appearance that is almost as old as I am. It really will take a lot of hard work, and it will take more than just selfies to break this negative self-hatred of my own appearance.

You Can Do It!!! / Photo by Destiny Topolski