š³ļøāšš Take A Chance. Don't Give Up. Have PRIDEā£ļø š³ļøāšš
Dearest Night Owls,
Happy PRIDE Month, fellow proud LGBTQ+ night owls. Let's show some love and support because, in the end, LOVE WINSā£ļø Love will always winā£ļø
Be proud to be who you truly are as a human being because no one has the right to tell another person how to love and whom to love. Love and let live because we are this one life to live and no one has the time to waste in pretending to be or live a life that only makes living life so miserable. Yeah, it's easier said than done. Blah. Blah. Blah...I can totally relate. I am currently miserable and feel like I'm stuck in a very dark place.
I wish that I could say that, right now, I am super energized and excited after waking up to start my new day. Yeah, I can't say that. I had a super sleepless day, today, and I have a pretty idea as to why. It wasn't the incredibly beautiful sunny day because that would be easy to admit, as would be saying that my cats kept me from getting a restful sleep. Granted, Chester did end up waking me up at one point. Chester was banging the blinds against the bedroom window, as his way of demanding that the blinds be opened so he can sun bathe. Yeah, he gets really demanding when he wants something. When I was finally able to fall asleep, I ended up waking up at least three different times throughout the day. The reason as to why it was so difficult to even fall asleep was because my mind was racing and my heart felt as though it was going to burst through my chest. All because of the series of text messages that were sent and received, right before I went to bed.
I want to be honest about how I feel because I feel like living an honest life is far better than the alternative. Currently, I am experiencing the proverbial broken heart. If you recall, in a previous blog post, I discussed poking at a healing scar until it finally broke open. Once it opened, again, I was left an emotional mess as a result of it. I have somewhat recovered from that incident, and I am allowing the wound to heal until it goes back into the deep scar that has imprinted onto my soul. Truth time, the wounded scar involves a person. A person with which I don't know all that well because we never really got the opportunity to socialize all that often. When we did, it was mostly business-related. I know that I am probably the only person who has eyes on this blog, but I would rather be safe than sorry. The only reason that I will not divulge his name or his profession is for the simple reason that this person isn't here to defend himself or should be made to become a public confessional topic for all to know and read. I knew him, and only knew of him, because he happens to work at a place that I frequent often. I have been going to this location for several years, like since I was in high school. Yeah, it's a place that has existed for that long!
During the summer of 2018, on an unusual whim, I decided to go to this location on a Saturday. I believe it was a Saturday, in July, when I first saw him. That day, in that first moment, it literally felt like something out of a movie. As he walked into view, it was as if time had stopped. I am not joking when I say this because it really did feel that way. Before he walked into the space where I had been, I was crouching down to pick something up from the ground. I was crouched low to the ground, balancing my upper body weight on both of my legs which were folded under my knees. The best way to describe the position that I was in that moment was the lower squat position but my legs were closer together and not spread outward.
While I was still crouched toward the floor, he entered the space that I was in. As he walked into view, our eyes met and that was when time had stopped for me. As he entered the space, he stopped moving and appeared to be staring in my direction. I slowly corrected my stance and moved upward to a standing position. All the while, not breaking eye contact with this stranger that came into the room. He introduced himself, and we exchanged names. In my initial thoughts were both shock and awe. Shocked that he appeared to be way too young to be in this type of profession and also how this perfect stranger was causing this strong of reaction out of me. I was in awe of his kindness, professionalism, and the tone of his voice suddenly silenced all of the anxious feelings inside of me. To this day, I can clearly replay these moments back in my head. I can tell you exactly what I was wearing that day and the intense feelings that consumed me from that very first moment of meeting his eyes with mine.
After leaving the location, I was still in shock. I tried to just write it off as a fluke or a physiological response to meeting someone who just happened to be incredibly attractive. As time passed, I kept going back when I needed to complete my business. Yeah, it might sound confusing unless you know the nature of the business. How about this? I will say that the business was getting necessary maintenance for my vehicle (maybe this is real or maybe it isn't real). I always go to the same place to get service for my vehicle, and sometimes, I need to get more than the typical service done for my vehicle because I drive my car all of the time. Wasn't it last year that I ended up getting two flat tires, within a six-month period? I think it was, or maybe it was in 2019? Nope, it was definitely back in 2020 (thank YOU Instagram).
Anyway, I go to the same location for vehicle service because I really like the customer service and friendliness of the staff. I have been doing business with this location since I bought my first car back in 2012. It was in 2018 that I had to buy a new car because my old car was totaled in 2018, due to a negligent driver crashing into my stopped car and forced my car forward which resulted in me crashing my vehicle into another stopped vehicle in front of me. I was struck from both ends because of the driver behind me, obviously not paying attention. I was able to drive my car, so I thought that my car was going to be just fine. I took my car to the location, to get it checked out. The maintenance crew took apart my vehicle, and realized that there was more internal damages that would cost more to fix than what the car was worth. After a great deal of crying and fighting with insurance agents, I was able to get a little bit of justice for the damage done to my vehicle. I loved that car because she was my very first car that I was able to get on my own. Well, not entirely my own. Evan and I bought the car, together, once I was hired on by Cascadia. After saying my final goodbyes to my C.J., I went to the car dealership to purchase C.J. II. I bought C.J. brand new, and I did the same for C.J. II because I want to be the first to own my vehicles, and I am blessed that I have the option to do this.
Going back to that summer, in 2018, I ended up having to go back to this location to get some work done on my vehicle. The customer service, at this location, has become super digital in that the employees all have text messaging service to communicate with the consumers. This is important to know because a lot of the communication that I had with this person was done via text messaging. The more I spoke with this person, the more I liked him. I felt such a deep connection to him, and so quickly that it scared the hell out of me. I made several attempts to covey my interest in getting to know this person, outside of the workplace. Obviously, any feelings that may have been reciprocated wasn't enough to peak his interest. He never said one way or the other. His words were very few, but not once did he ever say that my feelings were one-sided and that he didn't feel the same way. I gave him so many opportunities to tell me that he didn't want to know me, on a personal level, only that he valued his professional life. His vague responses only made the entire situation worse because I don't know the full truth, and he won't talk to me. The only truth that I have is his lack of action, which is he knows how to get in touch with me but he isn't. Which is excruciating because I saw the way he looked at me, and I know that there was something there. Maybe I am just kidding myself because, again, I don't know.
Fast forward to today. I haven't spoken to this person since February of this year. I broke the silence a couple of days ago because I needed to contact him about a concern that I had...about my vehicle. I didn't get a response. I didn't think I would, since it was late in the weekend. This morning, I was driving in my car. Guess what was playing on my playlist at that time? Secret Love Song by Little Mix (ft. Jason Derulo). I promise that I am not making this up.
As I was driving, singing to the music, and then my phone chimes to let me know that I have an incoming text message. It was from him. After exchanging several text messages, it was if no time had lapsed. The feelings all came flooding back, including the heartbreak and pain of the possibility of never seeing him or talking to him ever again. Today, I received that reality check because I needed to check to make an appointment for a concern about my car and he apparently his work schedule has changed. He is no longer working weekends, and I don't want to go back to weekday appointments. I decided to schedule an appointment for a whole new person, and this time it's going to be a woman assisting me. Maybe it's for the best, but it still hurts like hell. I can use this experience as inspiration to write about a complicated raven-haired mystery man. In my version of the story, he takes a chance and gets to know the girl. Maybe, just maybe, this story ends up having a happy ending...
āØšš Fear is stupid. So are regrets. ššāØ
Artwork by: @DestinyTopolski š
In other news, after a restless sleep, I woke up after 05:00 PM and just stayed in bed until 06:00 PM. After 06:00 PM, I rolled out of bed and got dressed in my work-out clothes. I was exhausted, but determined to do some form of exercise to get myself going. I even had a work-out buddy, who joined me on the treadmill. I love it when Chester joins me. I really need to start getting serious about training for the upcoming Hood To Coast relays.
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