Passion To Pain
Dearest Night Owls,
I feel like this has been one of the longest Wednesdays that I have experienced in recent days. The day is just kind of dragging on, and a part of it is the string of events that has occurred during the course of this day. A huge part of my issue is my freaking inability to fall asleep and stay asleep right now. I didn't go to bed until after 10:00 AM, and I woke myself up shortly after 04:23 PM. I don't feel rested, but I do feel incredibly annoyed right now.
My night at work was not terrible or troublesome. In fact, I found myself greatly distracted by a three-part movie series that had taken over my YouTube page. I first observed my YouTube page becoming consumed by recently released videos, created from other subscribers, about this movie series and its characters. I don't know why my YouTube page suddenly became a shrine to this movie series because I had not heard of it before. I assumed it was another foreign movie because I used YouTube to look up a foreign series that I absolutely loved watching when it was available on Netflix. It was a Turkish television drama series called Kurt Seyit ve Şura. Unfortunately, the series is no longer streaming on Netflix, and the only videos that are available on YouTube aren't dubbed in English or have English subtitles. At least when the series was available for streaming on Netflix, it had the subtitles. I miss the subtitles.
Anyway, like I said, I assumed that this newest flood of videos of this movie series was foreign. Technically, I wasn't wrong. It is foreign, in the sense that it takes place in Toronto, Canada. That, and the main character appears to be foreign born, with a thick accent, but was adopted into a family that was obviously not of the same cultural background. I am sure that I am not doing this story justice with my sloppy introductory description, so I will just tell you what the movie series is called so anyone interested can just look it up. The movie series, based off a novel series by Sylvain Reynard, is called Gabriel's Inferno.
I am now adding the novel series to my list of must-read books. I am certain that this series will be the next series of novels that I will be reading after I finish the Crave series. After I started watching some of the videos of Gabriel's Inferno on YouTube, I became hooked. The story is a so tragically beautiful, and the story incorporates a great deal of background into the famous poem of Dante's Inferno by Dante Alighieri. I found an incredible online history course with the poem, in both Italian and translation into English, from Columbia University:
1 Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
2 mi ritrovai per una selva oscura
3 ché la diritta via era smarrita.
When I had journeyed half of our life’s way,
I found myself within a shadowed forest,
for I had lost the path that does not stray.
I cannot express, enough, just how much I love it when a novel discusses beautiful historic works of other incredible artists throughout history. The story isn't just a cheesy love story, but a common day depiction of the Dante's Inferno poem. Does that make sense? I am too freaking tired right now, that I don't even know if I am making any sense.
After leaving work, I knew that I wasn't going to be able to go directly to bed when I arrived home. I had an appointment scheduled for, what I truly believed to be at 09:30 AM, with my psychiatrist. Yep, I have a psychiatrist. I am not shamed or afraid to admit this because why should I be? The reality of the situation is that I need a specialist for my mental health just like a person with any other ailment would need a specialist to treat that specialty kind of ailment like diabetes (endocrinologist) or arthritis (rheumatologist). As it turned out, my appointment was actually scheduled for 09:15 AM, and I didn't realize this fact until I signed into my virtual appointment at 09:21 AM. I thought that I was being so responsible by signing into my appointment nine minutes early, when I really signed into my appointment six minutes late. I thought, for sure, that I missed my appointment.
Luckily, I wasn't the only one who was running late. My psychiatrist was also late, and he had no idea that I was even late for my appointment. I was able to have the appointment, but I wasn't expecting to become as emotional as I became during my appointment. Like a good doctor should, my doctor asked the probing questions which led me to discuss the dark events from last week. As soon as I revealed everything, I suddenly started bursting into tears. The appointment ended with my doctor putting me on an urgent list to speak further with a therapist and gave his professional opinion that I was currently a "moderate to high suicide risk". I respect his opinion, but I don't agree with his assessment. I would have agreed with this opinion last week, but that was last week. Right now, in this moment, I have no great desire to die by suicide. Trust me, no one in their right mind just chooses to die by suicide. It really isn't as simple as that, and unless you have been in that deep dark place, you have no right to say it is that easy. After the appointment ended, I tried to calm myself back down. I got ready for bed, but I had a hell of time falling asleep. When I was able to finally fall asleep, I had another weird dream about storms and a family that I used to hang out with quite often. I haven't seen this family in a really long time, which makes me wonder why now am I dreaming about them? The brain is such an enigma.
Know that those of you who are also struggling with suicidal ideation, you are not alone in your struggle. I may not know who you are, but I care about you and know that you are loved.
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