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Soul Scars



Dearest Night Owls,


If any of you are reading this, I want you to know that I wish you nothing but love and peace. A saying that I continue to find myself saying is "life is too damn short". Well, it's true isn't it? I mean with all of the deaths from COVID-19, the increase in mass shootings, warfare, and other senseless forms of careless actions that cause the deaths of innocent lives.


For those of you who have been keeping up with my blog posts then you know that I am trying to speak my truth, but I am typing out my posts with the notion that I am only typing out my thoughts to myself. Which is fine because, I figure, why would anyone read something that I type out? I am a nobody, and I don't have a great deal of prolific thoughts to share with anyone. You think that I may be fishing for sympathy or compliments, but I am not. This is truly how I feel.


Today was a bad mental health for me. Throughout my night at work, my mind wandered quite a bit to a painful time in my most recent past. I do have many deep scars that have imprinted on my soul, but last night, I found myself starting to fixate on a very specific one. Before I realized how much I was poking and taunting the scar, the scar started to break open and it hurt me so badly that the tears started to come. I found myself crying while driving home from work, and then the tears continued after I arrived home from work. I didn't want to say, out loud, what was causing the tears and Evan didn't even bother to ask. I feel so alone right now. The loneliness isn't the cause of my tears or the open scar on my soul. It's simply the continued desire to see a very specific person. A person for who I have made so many attempts to reach out to because I have become so drawn to this person that ended up shaking me to the very core of my being.


The last time that I reached out to this person was back in late February. I felt compelled to reach out after I found out that a dear friend of the family, who was just two years older than me, just died suddenly of a heart attack. It affected me more than I admitted out loud.



The need to acknowledge one's own mortality, after losing a loved one so suddenly, is very common. The week of his passing had me taking stock of life, and those that I care about the most. I lost touch with this dear friend, and I feel just horrible that I didn't reach out sooner before he passed away.


I do want to honor him in some way, and I have an idea of what I want to do to show that I loved and will him dearly. I just need to do it, and then will post about it at a later time.


Today was a great struggle for me. So much so that I couldn't fall asleep. I tried so many times, but sleep wasn't coming. I even went ahead and moved from my bedroom to my living room couch, in the hope that a change in location might help. My exhaustion finally gave in, and I eventually fell asleep on the living room couch. I had a short, mini-dreamlike sleep. I remember having a dream, but I can't tell you what happened in it. I didn't sleep long enough for the dream to leave a lasting impression.


Tonight, I am praying that more sleep will come. I want to get some form of rest because, tomorrow, I want to go on an adventure. Life is just too damn short.



💖🧻 Be A Great Roll Model❣️ 🧻💖

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